Shame: The Silent Killer | Episode #065

You can have high blood pressure and not know it. That’s why it’s called the “silent killer.”

Shame works much the same way.

You may not think you struggle with shame. But if you battle insecurity, self-doubt, comparison, defensiveness, perfectionism, fear of failure, or the constant need to prove yourself, the signs may already be there.

In this episode of Truly a Masterpiece, Craig shares the story of discovering he had high blood pressure—and why his initial denial taught him something important about shame.

You’ll discover why shame isn’t a sign of weakness, why even successful and accomplished men struggle with it, and why you can’t outperform your way to freedom.

You can’t overcome shame by proving you are enough. Freedom begins when you stop trying to prove yourself and begin trusting what God says is true.

Craig closes the episode by leading you in a simple prayer of confession to help you take the first step out of denial and toward freedom.

Time Stamps

0:00 The diagnosis I didn’t believe

2:21 What is shame?

3:23 The numbers on the cuff

3:50  Shame doesn’t mean you are weak

4:27 You can’t outperform shame

6:14 You inherited something, too

7:11 Shame wants you to believe you’re the only one who struggles with this

8:14 Shame: The silent killer

9:19 Taking the first step toward freedom

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Transcript

Shame: The Silent Killer

Years ago, I went to a blood drive expecting to give blood. Instead, I was turned away.

“You can’t donate,” the technician told me. “You need to see a doctor. Your blood pressure is too high.”

I didn’t believe it.

High blood pressure happened to people who didn’t take care of themselves. Not me. I was in the best shape I’d been in since high school. I worked out four or five days a week.

So I went to the doctor expecting him to say, “They were wrong.”

Instead, he handed me a prescription.

I still wasn't convinced.

Sometime later, a friend—who had apparently been tipped off (by someone near and dear to me) that I wasn't taking my medication—asked me, “How’s the blood pressure?”

“Doctor says it’s high, but I feel fine.”

Then, to shut down the argument I knew was coming, I added sternly, “And I’m not taking any medication!”

My friend replied, “Maybe that’s why they call high blood pressure the silent killer.”

Silent killer?

That got my attention.

That was the day I started taking my blood-pressure medication.

I learned something about high blood pressure:

You can have it and not know it.

And there's something else you can have and not know it.

Shame.

What Is Shame?

Shame is that deep sense that somehow you’re flawed.

Some people call it insecurity. Others call it self-doubt, low self-esteem, or feelings of inadequacy.

But shame is its name.

Shame whispers in your mind:

“Something is wrong with you. Something is missing. Something is broken. Or something is so deeply ingrained in you that you just can’t change.”

Shame tells you that you are not enough, you'll never be enough, and because of that, you are unworthy of love and belonging.

Shame isn’t the same as guilt.

Guilt says, “You did something wrong.”

Shame says, “Something is wrong with you.”

The Numbers Were There

Looking back, I didn't believe I had high blood pressure. But my believing it or not believing it didn't change anything.

The numbers were there.

The technician at the blood drive showed me.

My doctor showed me.

I just didn't want to believe what the numbers were telling me.

Shame has numbers too.

Maybe they're not as precise as the numbers on a blood-pressure cuff, but the signs are there.

You get defensive when you're criticized.

You constantly compare yourself to other people.

Failure is devastating.

You need to be recognized.

You need to be right.

You need people to like you.

You fear rejection or failure.

You strive for perfection—or avoid taking risks because you might fail.

You replay a conversation long after it's over, wondering, Did I say too much? What are they thinking about me?

You need to be respected.

You have a hard time admitting when you're wrong.

Those are numbers on the cuff.

They're telling you something is going on beneath the surface.

Shame Affects Everyone

Part of my denial came from what I believed about high blood pressure.

I thought high blood pressure happened to people who didn't take care of themselves.

And I took care of myself.

I exercised four or five days a week. I was probably in the best physical condition I'd been in since high school.

High blood pressure was something that happened to other people.

We do the same thing with shame.

Insecure? Me?

I'm successful.

I'm a leader.

I've raised a family.

I've built a business.

I've accomplished things.

Shame is something weak people struggle with.

If there's one thing I know about men, it's that we'll do almost anything to keep from feeling weak—or being thought of as weak.

But struggling with shame doesn't mean you're weak.

There are three kinds of people in the world:

1.     People who struggle with shame and know it.

2.     People who live with shame and don't know it.

3.     And people who have lived with shame but have found freedom.

Shame is universal.

Everyone deals with it.

You Can't Outperform Shame

And this is where men like me get ourselves into trouble.

When we feel inadequate, what do we do?

We withdraw or we perform.

We withdraw because we're afraid we'll be exposed.

Or we perform because we're determined to prove we're enough.

We work harder.

We make more money.

We get another promotion.

We build something.

We buy something.

We win at something.

And sure, there are moments when you hit a home run and it feels really good.

But that feeling never lasts.

Like morning dew, it disappears, and you're left looking for the next accomplishment…the next win…the next vote of confidence.

You can't outperform shame.

Achievement can temporarily silence shame, but it can't cure it.

In fact, some of the most accomplished men you know may not have accomplished so much because they were secure.

They may have accomplished so much because they weren't.

Shame Is Not a Sign of Weakness

I learned something else about my high blood pressure that came as a relief.

In a later conversation, my doctor told me he didn't think my condition was primarily the result of not taking care of myself.

He asked about my family history.

My father had high blood pressure.

Both of his brothers had high blood pressure.

My father's father had high blood pressure.

My doctor essentially said, “Craig, you inherited it. You can't outrun your genes.”

And here's what I want you to understand:

You inherited something too.

Shame isn't simply something that happened because somebody criticized you, rejected you, abused you, or told you that you weren't enough.

Those experiences didn't create shame, although they can certainly reinforce it.

Shame goes back much further than that.

All the way back to the first man.

The Scriptures tell us that when Adam sinned by eating the forbidden fruit:

“At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame…”

For the first time in human history, shame appears.

And Romans tells us:

“When Adam sinned, sin entered the world. Adam’s sin brought death, so death spread to everyone…”

So shame wants you to believe you're the only man… the only man… struggling with this.

You're not.

It isn't that you're weak. It's that you're human.

That's why shame is universal.

Not because everybody had bad parents.

Not because everybody was bullied.

Not because everybody has been abused or rejected.

But because every one of us inherited Adam's condition.

Shame Is a Silent Killer

Whether you recognize it or not, shame may already be affecting you.

Just like high blood pressure was affecting my body whether I accepted it or not.

You think you're fine.

But the signs may already be there.

Shame may be robbing you of peace and joy.

It may be keeping you from reaching your potential.

It may be damaging your marriage and your closest relationships.

It may be driving you to prove something that can never be proven.

My friend said, “Maybe that's why they call it the silent killer.”

He was talking about high blood pressure.

But he could have been talking about shame.

And here's the good news:

You don't have to stay in denial.

The sooner you're willing to recognize shame for what it is, the sooner you can begin dealing with what's actually happening inside you.

You can't overcome shame by proving you're enough.

Freedom begins when you stop trying to prove yourself and begin trusting what God says is true.

Today, I want to be that friend for you. I want to help you come out of denial and step toward the cure.

I hope this talk has exposed something—not because I want you to feel bad about yourself, but because I want you to experience the life God created you to love.

A life filled with peace, purpose, passion, joy, and confidence.

So, if you're ready, I want to close by leading you in a simple prayer of confession.

Are you ready?

Pray with me.

Father, I confess that I struggle with shame. I often feel like I'm not enough. I find myself trying to prove myself—or avoiding situations where I'm afraid my “not-enoughness” might be exposed.

Father, I recognize that I've been believing something that isn't true. That's fear, not faith.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.

Teach me to see myself the way You see me and to believe what You say is true about me.

I ask this in Jesus' name.

Amen.

Now, let me pray for you…

[Personal closing prayer]

Thanks for joining me today. I hope this talk has been helpful. If it has, please pass it along to someone else who might need it.

Don't forget to check out the links in the show notes. And as always, if I can help you, don't hesitate to reach out.

Until next time, may the Lord help you live the life you were born to love.